I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
