He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
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I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
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I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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