my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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