Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
