Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
