Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
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