Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
