It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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