how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
