I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
