dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I love you.
Bad choice
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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