do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
