someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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