When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
