did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
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Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
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I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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