Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
