my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
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