you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
