Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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