fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
