We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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