im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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