did you get engaged???
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
