just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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