Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
