Betty ford says i'm here all night
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
