So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
