just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just invented taco cereal.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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