Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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