just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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