You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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