So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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