I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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