Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
