Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
