I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
