Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
