Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
