just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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