My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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