I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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