New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize