Kiss
Puke
I looked at my own cervix.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
