Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
