My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
