3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
