Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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