take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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