Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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