The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
