i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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