he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
