Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
