dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
