Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
