I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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