i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
