So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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