If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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