I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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